I had thought about writing a great big scathing post about how this movie is an affront to women everywhere, since the target demographic is either teenage girls or middle aged women. (And we all know our opinions don’t matter and we don’t have any say in market activity.) But instead I have decided to wash my hands of it. I’m done. I’m out. I’m not going to go see it. I cannot help but imagine what the other movies would be like if their plots had been mangled to the extent that Jem and the Holograms has been. Cue the dramatics! =)
Transformers: Abandoned robot, Optimus Prime must struggle with his sudden meteoric rise into government recognition due to his ability to transform from a truck into a large robot. The emotional turmoil nearly breaks up his family of Autobots, but in the end they discover what true loyalty means. Also, there are no Megatrons and the Allspark is a pack of gum.
Scooby-Doo: Shaggy, a young man with everything to gain, secretly records a video of his talking dog, Scooby-Doo. When he posts in on Youtube with the hopes of it going viral. He is overcome with disappointment when he finds that his beloved pet may not be as unique as he originally thought. Can he and his friends survive the anonymity or will the pressure be too much for their friendship to survive?
The Smurfs: Smurfette, under the pressure of her new human friend Gargamelina, sets out on an epic quest to become the next great pop star. She is faced with the option of abandoning her tribe or losing everything she has ever dreamed of. Can she find success and still remain loyal to her friends and family? Also, they live in shoes, not mushrooms, and they are six feet tall.
Spider-Man: Peter Parker, successful CEO and owner of Parker Corporation, swats away a pesky spider that he finds crawling on his arm while visiting one of his laboratories. The end.
Bat-Man: Billionaire Bruce Wayne lives in a large house. He makes a bad investment and looses everything. He must find a way to survive with nothing but a tuxedo and a hand written sign that reads, “Ka-Pow”.
Any more? Feel free to leave your version in the comments.
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